Tag Archives: what’s next?

Crisis

People who know/see me IRL know that things haven’t all been jolly-jolly here. To the point where I thought I would have to talk to a lawyer about divorce. The issue isn’t something I’ll talk about here, because frankly, the sordid details of my life aren’t up for public discussion.

Suffice it to say that I’ve been dealing/coping with potentially life-changing issues. Last time things got this bad, about 20 years ago, we got help. We may do that again, or may not. The last time we thought we’d acquired the skills to deal with whatever potential problems we might encounter, unfortunately, that may not have been true.

I always wondered how people who stayed together for more than 20 years could then just split? You had it beat, didn’t you? We’ve been married 37 years and together 39.

The one good thing I know that’s happened as a result of this is what I said in my post here. No matter what, I’ll weather it. I know that again. For a long time I wasn’t sure there was any of the fighter left in me to face a major change. But whatever way things work out, I’ll make it.

Energizer-Bunny-300x270

The One-Trick Pony Lost Its Trick…

There are days when I wonder wtf I’m doing on the planet, except wasting resources?

I haven’t changed the world, I doubt that there are more than a few lives which are better for my having been here, and I wonder, seriously at times, why I’m here?

I used to feel heroic, challenged, and as if the challenge mattered. I had to feel that way or I would’ve quit. I didn’t quit and I made it through.

So what?

My last insight isn’t mind-shattering, but obvious, if you’re not me. For years decades I thought if when I beat the PTSD/pain I’d be invulnerable, super-powered!!! Then when I did get to where I could really cope, I felt like a wimp and tissue paper.

I think I finally know why: after fighting for approx. 50 years, I was emotionally exhausted. Sounds obvious, right? Much of my life I thought of myself as an “emotional heat sink.”  Throw trauma at me, I’d “hug” it and push it down into my gut. I’d get up again and keep going, over and over, like the stupid Eveready bunny.

Suddenly, I couldn’t cope — I became someone who was weepy at nearly any challenge — and I’ve been that way for years now.

So instead of ending a 50 year challenge with strength, I became a quivering nerve. I’ve just wanted to nest: stay isolated in these woods, this house, my marriage. I’ve wanted to cook and garden and read and hide from almost anyone and everything. There was a part of me, a small part —  it was the old voice — that just couldn’t understand it? I had never been like this!

I spent 5 decades fighting myself, the terror that I was a homicidal maniac, really f’n crazy, actually damned or flawed in some awful molecular way, only to win against that and see that I wasn’t crazy, or a murdering maniac, or damned — and I became a weepy raw nerve???

Talk about unexpected consequences! And no wonder I wasn’t interested in being an advocate for anyone or anything!

I have had to grant myself grace. I have to understand that yes, I’ve been exhausted, and that’s okay. I also have to let myself move on.

I’ve been afraid, as much as I let myself get involved with anything, that there was nothing else, I was a match, I’d burned myself out, and now it was my time to die. Seemed pretty stupid and it’s the damned Ibsen play I always wanted to avoid being. But. Maybe there’s more? I don’t know.

I have passed a magic marker, somewhere. I can feel strong now for short periods. I can and have been making small lines in the sand and I’m doing whatever it is. Things are getting done, finished. I don’t feel like a dandelion floating in the breeze all the time any more. The anchor maybe very thin and long, but it’s still there.

For the last 3 years or so of my therapy I’d just get overwhelmed by the idea of something and say I couldn’t cope. My therapist would reply, “You’ve weathered so much. Why wouldn’t you think you’ll be able to cope with this?”

I never had an answer: I had no strength. More, I had no belief in my strength. Maybe that is (finally) turning around?

Rather like this blog — this is NOT the topic I intended to write about!

The human brain is bizarre and wonderful.

 

Nearly Done

with the taxes, or as much of it as I need to do actual work (not just getting data from the town, bills, or the checking account say). And I realized that I need a project. . . something fun, creative, and that will engage me for a few days, at least.

Not knitting. This feels like a paper, paint, markers, printer sort of thing.

What? I don’t know. I have the 1/2 finished bullet journal plan — that would be good. I had finally gotten to the “admission” that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted on my own. I need to pay someone to do the final art work. I know what I want, but I just don’t have the skills to make the pieces to my satisfaction.

Being able to actually use the bullet journal, rather than planning the planner, journal, diary, and calendar would be very helpful.

I have the stalled fabric rug to work on. (Not paper, that’s out.)

If I’m going to work with paper, I need the counter in my office clean and cleared. One reason the bullet journal is in the state it is? I have nowhere to easily lay out the pages. It would be most helpful to be able to use the counter I already have.

craft-room

(No, this isn’t my office, but it could be! Mine is just as full of stuff and equipment and cluttered. This image, like most of them in this blog, is from images.google.com . )

Cleaning up my office will take a week, minimum. It has been a “dumping ground” for too long. Its bookcases are slated to be moved to the attic this spring, and the counter and drawer units moved in the room, so we might be able to get a guest bed in there?

I think this is a really good idea. The living room/kitchen project is stalled until DH finishes the window/shelf unit thing. But that’s stalled because there’s a piece of furniture which needs to be put up for sale/removed first. That’s stalled because the antique store is moving the middle of March, and I already have a piece of furniture for sale there (you get to sell 1 at a time.) Soooo. . . .

Working on my office as a “next step” makes sense. Sigh. It’s always been one of the coldest rooms of the house and it’s February, right? I can’t leave the door open because the small cat thinks pushing things off of shelves/counters is fun. (She’s broken several things in my office already, so she is NOT allowed in there!) Sigh.

On the other hand, if I start this and interleave it between the remaining accounting/tax gather, I will not have to spend hours in a cold room without end. I can use short pieces of time and then go back to the paperwork — and get both done.

When I get the counter cleared, I can write up/show (I hope?) what I want to the graphics art person. It’s a plan!

I get one more cuppa coffee today. I’m off to get it and then start to plot out what has to happen in my office, first.

 

 

Furniture ruminations…what to sell next?

We sold the dresser, formerly the bead dresser. . . Yay!

Even having sold 5 bookcases, a dresser, 4 dining chairs, 2 bar stools, a 3-legged stool, and a metal table since 1/15, we’ve still got too much furniture!

In all fairness, 1 bookcase, the 4 dining chairs and 2 bar stools were bought specifically for the booth and only stayed here long enough to be cleaned and one bookcase was at the antique store, but hadn’t been for sale before 1/15.

I am SO psyched! I considered 2 pieces my “anchors” in the booth, the dresser was one, the kids’ desk/chair is the other.  This morning I called someone who might want the desk/chair, especially if I offer it to him at its current price. I promised myself I’d leave it at the store till mid-month but told him it might be available then, if he’s interested? Hopefully, he will be.

DH has been working on his office and the white plastic bookcase is nearly empty. Good thing as the booth no doubt needs things rearranged to fill in where the dresser was.

There’s a desk credenza (currently buried in the living room) to sell.

We also need to figure out the kitchen tables? We have three!

  • A British antique streaky oak table we bought about year 2 of our marriage. DH’s grandfather had chairs that were also streaky oak and we were given 6 or 8 of them. The chairs have issues,the table has issues. It’s is a family table or kitchen table from about 1890 and it’s too big for just us. [We probably should refurbish these pieces this summer and sell the whole lot in the Fall maybe?] This table is currently shoved into the “dead” corner of our huge kitchen. The chairs are elsewhere. (Moved to antique store, for sale 8/2016)
  • A blond modern oak table that fits us, but would be too small for a larger group really. We have 4 bow back wood chairs that were bought with it. The table & chairs were bought for my breakfast nook in Florida. [We had a dining room too.] I don’t have a dining room or breakfast nook space here. Right now, this table is in the “dining room” part of the kitchen.
  • An antique wrought-iron and marble console table. This is currently set up in the space that will become the mudroom. But it’s out of the way and is the kitchen “desk” right now.

My kitchen is huge, but if we’re going to change things around so that the one huge room becomes four smaller rooms (kitchen, dining, laundry, mudroom) and at least one table has to go, probably the antique one with the grandpa chairs, although I hate to lose the connection to our past. The table was one of the first real pieces of furniture we bought, not plastic or temporary, and I was honored to get grandpa’s chairs, a family heirloom to go with it. It seemed to blend us and our family wonderfully.

There’s the “old” graphics table, actually an oak desk, which is supposed to go into my office. Sold. The space where it’s supposed to go is currently occupied by the “daddy” dresser, which is also supposed to go away. (Finally did 8/2016) There’s what we called the “popcicle” table (Sold.) in the attic and probably there’s more. This weeding process is slow, too slow!

Today I either need to convince DH to empty the white bookcase (Sold) and haul it to the antique store, something I’m sure he won’t be enthusiastic about (We have ice under snow outside.) or badger him into hanging the other two flower pot shelves (Culled) in the booth and find something else to fill in the empty space at the booth. Mid-month everything needs to change! The booth needs to be completely rearranged for spring and all, or most, of the remaining furniture sold, consigned, or donated! Not sure what I’ll do, but the space has to have a new look, and soon. I also need to go to Goodwill or a few consignment shops. I need a new rug for the booth too. The one that’s there has been in my booth for over a year.

There’s still approx. 3 tables, some chairs and a few other pieces here to sell, around 8-10 more pieces, at least. No make that about 10-12 more pieces. I forgot about the 2 chairs in the storage!

I am getting seriously depressed the longer I write this post. I think I’ll quit!
J