Tag Archives: therapy

Getting Back on Track?

I have wandered fairly far afield in the past 2-3 months. That is, I’ve nearly stopped posting the weekly “to do” list, stopped thinking about or working on my larger, long-term goals, except in a spotty fashion.

I haven’t done a concerted purge for the tally in the past few days, either.

The house is staying cleaner, which is great, but for more than a month I’ve been doing whatever was in front of me, instead of trying to make the work I do count towards my bigger, long-term goals.

I know why: I’ve been fighting off exhaustion and depression. Rather than simply ignoring it and trying to push it away, a couple of days ago I finally sent an “I need help!” email to my nearest friends. I got what I needed, that is, a reminder that I’m not alone, there are people in my corner. In the recent past, except for real crisis, I haven’t asked for help much (or at least that’s my perception). I had a good therapist, and that’s what I used her for, I leaned on her, and our session recharged my batteries about 2x a month, and usually, that was enough.

She retired in June. The idea of establishing a new relationship with someone else after 15 years with the same person was just exhausting. Also, the people she recommended did not appeal to me at all for various reasons. Maybe in person that would be different, but the short bio forms, much of it a sales pitch, just left me cold. This means I haven’t gotten a new therapist.

Unknown to me, my energy started to fade. When I finally realized what was going on last week, I saw that it was like a slow drain of my energy and enthusiasm. I think of myself as a self-starter, but I need energy shots or something from others. Didn’t realize that those energy shots were a lot of what I was getting from my therapy. It was my 2 hours a month to be as whiney and selfish as I wanted. For someone with PTSD, or at least for me, it was a time/place to talk about all the ways/places/times that others pushed those buttons and how I should or did deal with them.

Because my flashback is a 3 year old’s grief, I have as I say, ” a grieving 3 year old, caught in the amber of my psyche.” Accordingly  my PTSD reactions to things are almost always inappropriate! Having a safe place to start there and then see/figure the more reasoned response was a blessing I’ve now lost. That created another drain, as I’ve been monitoring myself and my behavior in ways I hadn’t had to for a long time.

All of this and a few other things created a situation where I’ve been fighting off depression and exhaustion. I’m glad I finally realized what was going on and asked for help. I’m not sure what a long-term fix is, as I really don’t think I can do this every six months for the rest of my life, any more than I think I can afford a therapist 2x a month forever either, even assuming I had one.

I need to find new answers.

In the meantime, I need to get back on track: purging, culling, cleaning, and moving towards a time/space where I can do whatever’s next, even if it’s just dying.

Because I’ve Been Paying Attention

recently, I noticed last night and remembered this morning that I’d woken up two or three times during the night.


My intention is to track my sleep habits and see if I can’t somehow make a correlation between what I’m doing in my sleep and what I do during the day. It’s a piece of data, hopefully the end of the string, which may help me figure out wtf it is about cleaning the house that punches my buttons so!

The Hoarders show is deceptive. At the end of the episodes, the text or something tells you that person Z has seen Dr X and now all is well. This makes it look like a shrink is the universal solvent or something. They’re not. The victim/focus of the show is the actual hero there.

However, that said, I’ve been under a therapists’ care in one form or the other for most of my life. If therapy was truly the answer, it should have taken by now, don’t you think?

I couldn’t deal with the hoarding issue at all before I dealt with the PTSD/abuse issues. Fine. But for the past 4 years I’ve been trying to undo this emotional snarl and the house mess. Like everything the success comes and goes. So, again,  I need to track both my successes and try and figure out wtf the problem is.

Ideas or suggestions are welcome! All I can do is keep plugging away at it, ripping the scab off the wound I said in an earlier post. Just keep on going.



The short wall in living room has been entirely sanded, tack clothed, and the knot holes painted. Hurrah! That wall will be painted with primer before I tackle the rest of the long living room wall. After that wall is cleaned, sanded, tack clothed, knot holes sealed and primered, we will go back and buy actual PAINT. Then the prepared walls will get painted and the room put back to rights.

Not half, but about 1/3 of the painting prep is done for the wood walls. The other walls won’t need as much prep, no sanding or knot sealing req’d, so those will go quick (at least by comparison).

Although yesterday I got a lot accomplished, sleep last night was fairly uninterrupted, only woke up once that I know of. Not bad for me these days! 5/30

Last night was the same as the night prior. I woke up knowing I’d been awake at least once, briefly in the night, but I don’t remember it. Rolled out of bed early for me, 5 a.m.