Tag Archives: past and future plans

Ratwheels Forever

Okay, okay all ready! Yes, I am READY to move on with my life.

But, but I’m weighed down by previous work obligations and all the stuff. I’d get a dumpster and have a “pitch it” party, but you might as well make a big target on my back , point and say,


This is what it feels like to be trapped in an Isben play, I guess.


I got here.

I don’t hurt.

I didn’t flashback with a major revelation.

I’ve waited for those two things to occur together for 58 or so years. And I’m bogged down with all the strings, ties, stuff: emotional and physical trash that I accumulated to deal with  the undiagnosed PTSD and abuse issues for most of a 1/2 century.

The mechanisms and stuff helped. It kept me safe. Now I’m not afraid to see what it could be like to live in a neat house, but I’m afraid of going too fast — because that’s always brought the issues up before, and I don’t know if it still will — but it always has, for 50+ years.

Will someone please just find the F’n switch for this stupid ratwheel I’m on and shut the stupid thing OFF already???

Bet: it won’t happen that way. I have to clean up my own mess. I have to keep fighting. I have to push on and on and on. Which, considering that I stayed alive at birth, as a preemie, when they expected me to die, means if you’re me, I’ve been fighting since my first breath. They expected me to die at the first suicide attempt, when I was 16, didn’t. I almost did the 2nd time I tried at 19, but I  didn’t. Had the motorcycle accident which could have left me brain dead or just dead, didn’t. On and on.

I’m alive. I don’t hurt. That took 58-9 years. Now what?

Well, “now what ” is that I have to deal with more backwash, more stuff, more things and mechanisms I had created so I could cope.

Part of me wants to PARTY! CELEBRATE!!! Find a new direction and go thataway!

But I have several 1,000 books to get rid of, first. I have a new way to live to learn, first. I have to learn new skills because the new me is more aware of my shortcomings than my old self (I was too busy hurting.)



And yes, I’m sick of this. I’m running out of energy and I can’t do anything but deal with the vestiges of my past, even though I’ve spent all this time/energy learning to cope with it.


This pity party stops here.

How I ‘ll fix this I have no idea, but I’ll find a way. I have to believe that or I will go mad. I’m just tired.





Memoir & Other Projects: Update

For those of you who know, the memoir has been “finished” for some time. I had a job that I concentrated on, it was part time going to be full time, I thought, but  it didn’t work out.

Anyway, I’m not doing that job now. So, I have the time to work on the other projects: the house, the memoir, the kitchen book, the cleaning plan, the vegetable garden — all of those have had a chunk of my time in the past few weeks. Along that line, I also have some website ideas which are in process too.

None of this is really brand new, it’s just been on hold for a while.

Here’s a rundown.

Memoir: needs the 2nd half rewritten. To that end I’m scheduled to go to a writing workshop in June.

House: the living room redesign, cull & clean continues. It’s getting there! The latest new piece is going to involve a major cull/clean in the bedroom too. That’s upcoming, probably this week.

Kitchen Book: I have ideas about publishing this, or part of it on my own. If I do that, I’ll provide a link here either to my shopping cheat sheets, or a write up or a link to a website, or ? The data is done. I need to hire some very talented ladies I know to do the graphics associated with it and possibly website design. It depends.

Cleaning Plan: Right now the plan is to write up an article or two, first. Then publish the plan itself. This is waiting on the house getting finished. Until it gets finished, I have a bunch of ideas that haven’t worked to talk about. I need a successful completion before I’ve got something salable!

Other Website Ideas: I’ve had 2 or 3 of these for some time. I need to buy the domains, and get the HTML done on them. I may get someone else to do them, DH may do them, or who knows?

Vegetable Garden: Some of this is related to the shopping cheat sheets. I realized I’ve got all this data, formatted, and why aren’t I using it myself? Growing food is part of this, only a small part, but it IS part of it!

I did a really stupid thing

I told someone I’d bring a rug for them to see Monday. The only rug I have partly done isn’t mine; it’s for a friend, and I’m not going to drag it around the state to show others.

All the rugs I have here which I made are either 1)my original prototype, with all the errors and it’s dirty  — it’s been in continual use for the past 8 months. Or, 2) the laundry room rug, which isn’t completely finished, and oh yeah, I spilled a small bit of bleach on it. The laundry room rug is also much bigger than the others, about 5′ wide so it’s heavy and awkward to carry.


I do have about 50 t shirt “crop tops” to make into either coasters or stair tread rugs. I could probably do that, or some of that?

Dunno what I’ll do — we’ll see!

Tracking . . . .

I have a lot of different things I’m trying to do at the same time.

  • The new job(s). Research/write/proofread article or blog. Sell ads (2 jobs, 4 tasks)
  • Sell stuff. Find/buy stuff for sale. Price it, move it, arrange it, store it or cull it. (1 job, 7 tasks)
  • Write. Other than the things for money/publication. That’s this blog, the memoir, the other 3 or so book projects. The book that we just sold the idea to our publisher, the kitchen book, and maybe the novel cycle (if the revised idea goes anywhere). (5 items)
  • The house. Clean/redecorate/cull/organize/garden. (1 job, 5 tasks)

Most of these are long term, multistep projects I pick up then put down. Do something else.

Pick up . . . and try to remember what I was doing last?
I have devised a plan to help me be able to KNOW where I was when I quit last.  I need a visual way to both see the progress AND as a memory prod. To that end, I bought library pockets and colored, unprinted library cards to go with them.  I’m going to use the cards & pockets to give me a visual and a way to track what I’ve done and what needs to be done.

I have a huge cork board in the craft room, I’m going to use that, I think. In the meantime, I need to come up with some sort of plan to organize this, but I think it will work, at least for a while. And if it doesn’t? Well, I know a librarian or two I can probably persuade to take the supplies off my hands or I could maybe find a way to sell them. Also, I didn’t buy so many that I couldn’t store them, if I wanted to, but I probably won’t.

Making up the pockets has helped. There are 3 major areas here: writing, the house, and selling.

The things I ended up making pockets for can be further divided into two categories: product and process. The products are the end point, in most cases, but the house is entirely process. Here’s the break down:

Write: blog, memoir, other, article (products) Write: research, proof & revise (process)

House: clean, decorate, organize, cull (process)

Sell: ads, stuff (products) Sell: buy/track, clean/appraise, store, cull (all process)


I need to actually cut fabric. I’ve been avoiding it. I have the kitchen curtains to make. Remember this?


and I have linen tablecloths to cut up/sew for the bedspread.

Like I said, I’ve been avoiding it.

I’m not a great seamstress first of all. Secondly, almost never do my crafty “great ideas” work the first time, the way I expect them to. Usually I can kludge something together, eventually, but they almost never work the first time, as planned.

It occurred to me not too long ago that I have the large masking paper. I could make full-size patterns, and I think I will. But I’m still worried about cutting the stuff up. I always seem to forget things, like seam allowance or hems. Or I think something will work and I just don’t have the skill required.

This has been true since the apron I struggled with making in junior high and the clothing class I took in high school. I was always making clothes for my “baby sister,”* because by the time I got the seams straight, the patterns to match, etc. the piece was at least 2 sizes smaller than when I started.

(*I don’t have one!)

In other words, I don’t do well with fabric!

I know someone who sews for money, makes $ selling fabric things on etsy. I could ask her for help I guess? Dunno. I have ONE shot at this. If I mess it up  by cutting the fabric wrong, it is almost unfixable.

One more time:


Been sick

for most of the week. Next to nothing new has happened, except that I feel like I’m FINALLY ’round the corner and getting better. What did get done:

  1. I’ve got valentine-y things ready to go to the booth for sale. If I don’t get better soon, they’ll just have to go back into storage, sigh.
  2. I got an angel up on the wall in the bedroom, something I’d planned to do for a while.
  3. I added (need to be “finished” two of the dowels to the window that got done.
  4. I got together the pieces for making up the next 2 curtain rods.
  5. I got the next article to my boss,  which is good as our deadline for this issue is approaching fast.

That’s it. VERY nonproductive week.


What the the curtains & napkins look like

The napkins are sort of like this. On the double window, there’s one curtain panel and 3 napkins on each window, hung so that they make a triangle, with the cutwork at the bottom.

[I stole the napkin image from Ebay, it isn’t mine, and I lay no claim to it. The curtain image is from Ikea, and I make no claim about owning that image either.]

scalloped napkin ideaThe curtains are Lill curtains from Ikea, and look like this:

ikea, lill curtainsThat’s what I did yesterday. Today? Today I got the closet doors fixed and I tightened up the boxes in the room. However, I made a huge mess doing this and have to go back and put things away again. I decided I couldn’t tackle the bookcase today, so I just tried to make the overall room tidier. There were boxes around almost all the edges and that’s not true now. The box stacks and various book stashes are more crowded,but there’s less general mess. Didn’t find much new to throw out, except a few reference books that are way outdated.

So, I”m off to go make dinner, then I’ll pull the room together. Have a good night!