Tag Archives: health

New Monday List!

Okay, this is a restart of my 6-5 list idea. This is the six things on Mon and 5 each Tues – Fri, and catch up on the weekends notion.

Also I will redo the larger, long-term “to do” list sometime this week.

This will make THREE chore lists! The backlogged 6-5 lists, the current 6-5 lists, and the long-term list. Either I’ll just get overwhelmed and quit, again, or I’ll get it done.

What’s really likely is that I’ll get some of it done, for a while, then get overwhelmed and quit. That’s my pattern problem. Somehow, being organized about getting things done eventually leans on the PTSD and I panic and stop. Since many folk seem to get overwhelmed  I guess I don’t feel so bad about not being able to stick to it.

This blog has been a many-year long set of experiments to get me to be able to set a goal then get to it, ‘eh? A tidy house doesn’t seem to make most people panic like it does me, it makes them feel good. It makes me feel good too, but if I do it too consistently? I panic.

The problem has always been the panic. It took me until I was in my mid-50s to be well enough otherwise (not hurting/running scared) to be able to see that what happens to me in a tidy house is panic, and that because of that, it is instantly overwhelming. Telling me “ignore it,” [I can’t tell you how many people have said that to me!] is really useless. Telling myself that is equally useless.

The only real answer has been to find ways to turn tidying into habit, so that I don’t think about it, I just do it. Fine. Except that the process of doing that causes me to panic too — and the rat wheel goes around — again.

So. Here I am, again. With another shot at it, again.

Monday’s 6:

  1. File something. 5:11 p.m.
  2. Clean the front of the kitchen cabinet that hasn’t been cleaned the longest (I put stickies in the drawers/cabinets that tell me when I cleaned them last.) 6:30 p.m.
  3. Clean the cat food bin. 10:28 p.m.
  4. Straighten an underwear drawer. 10:20 p.m.
  5. (fill in). Bathroom floor & counter clean up. 1:40 p.m.
  6. Get the planner started.
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Not a Win, Not a Loss

Yesterday was a day which previously would have sent me into days if not a week or more of depression. I really embarrassed myself in public. I was tired and the PTSD which always makes me clumsy had a field day because of it. Also because of lack of sleep I was more sensitive to the negativity created by what I did. Big time suck.

Except for texting a friend I don’t talk to often enough, I didn’t go there. It wasn’t anything illegal, just not a shiny adult moment for me.

Today I’m grateful that although I was up until 4 a.m. running away from/avoiding the litany of

“Failure! Bozo! Idiot!”

which came from the Abuser’s tape, I managed to wait it out/put it off and finally just go to sleep.

Not an ideal solution, but better by a huge margin than depression and hours of self-recrimination and the PTSD which is woven in and around all of that. No tears. My heart raced a little, but that was it.

I’ll take it! I’d rather not have the tape at all, but I don’t seem to have that choice. This is the best I can do right now and it’s worlds better than what I could do before.

If this is settling? I’ll take it!

Undisasters

All but the 2 base cabinets are in the attic, 2 x 4s under them, shelves put in them and stuff put away in them. However, I’ve run out of “easy” space making in the attic. It’s very like the problem I’m facing in the kitchen and living room — things have been culled, the remaining stuff has been consolidated into tight piles. Nothing to remove and no where to go!

It was  90+ degrees here yesterday, I did NOT want to work in an unairconditioned attic! My helper came again. The two of us organized the appliance “user’s manuals” tossing those for things which are gone. Then we inventoried the freezer space. So that’s done. Huzzah! It isn’t much, and next to no one else will ever see that the binder is tidier or that I can tell what’s actually in the freezer, but it’s still progress. Also the smaller binder got replaced by a bigger one, from the attic. One more thing away — and another out of the attic and used!

What I did this morning (Sat.) was mostly get scared. I got out of bed, got to the bathroom sink and the room was swirling around — you would have thought I was drunk! I wasn’t. This continued for some time, off and on. Decided I’d best not go anywhere (we had planned to go out; DH went without me). He cut the 2 x 4s for the last upper cabinet. I got them in there, got the shelves in the cabinet, and put things away in the cabinet.

Aside from that, I haven’t done much. I’ve found some self-help books I want, and I’ve spent an hour or more looking at a pinterest board about history, which truly caught my attention. Pretty scary suddenly having dizzy spells. Not something I’ve ever done for any period of time before!

After lunch, we went to the market. Came back, I felt like I was coming down with a cold, all I wanted was to sleep, sniffly, etc. Took a bath. By the time I’d finished, my “cold” and sleepiness had disappeared. Weird. Weird day physically! Our guess is that I’d gotten something on my clothes in the attic, and I was wicked allergic to it. Dunno. Very strange day.

Day ended with me, out in the rain, calling for our “barn cat.” I could hear but not see her. She’d sheltered under our front step. She ran to under my car, where I delivered her dinner, which she ate. Then the rain abated and I went out with a towel and with much calling, finally got her to come to me, on the driveway, kneeling on the towel and she got dry from my petting her and her rubbing herself on the towel.

So, my hair’s soaked, my pant knees are too, and I need to change clothes. We’re going to watch a video. G’night!

I hope tomorrow is just boring — no world class thunderstorms, no torrential downpours, no weird dizziness, no “feel like I’ve come down with a really bad cold.” Just plain, old boring Sunday!

J

 

 

 

Directions

What I need is a new focus or two. One, I think needs to be the finishing up the book projects and others which are midproduction. This includes the memoir, the kitchen book, the current anthology, and websites. The websites need to be purchased, so I suppose that’s the next step.

When I have something to sell, or a link to a website, I’ll post it here.

Otherwise, I’m seriously considering what to do when the memoir comes out. “Taking my emotional clothes off in public” is how I refer to the piece. There are two or three things which have to happen because of this: I need to do a reveal, those of you who know me in person “get” this, but I also need to protect me and mine from trolls and others both on the net and otherwise. Giving people a roadmap into the most tender part of yourself isn’t a recipe for people necessarily treating you well.

So, if you actually know me, in person, and are a friend rather than a professional contact or are both, you may get mail from the fictionalized me in the near future. I can’t contemplate having the memoir out or other projects with it, which may or may not happen, otherwise.

A new or different second focus needs to be home/hearth/health. Because of the abuse I endured, because of its ramifications on me as an adult, I’ve never really let myself focus on my home/hearth. Because of the “I don’t matter” attitude which is under much of everything, even still — I was brainwashed — taking care of myself physically is almost as much of a challenge as taking care of my hearth/home.

A third project is that I need something to DO, something to focus on outside of ME-ME-ME which was necessary for the past several years to deal with the PTSD. Okay, that’s mostly done. Now what?

I have no answers for all of this, just feel like they are directions I need to go. More exercise, working on the kitchen notebook will work on the house food/nurturing, the house clean-up is of course the hardest piece.

Does it sound like I’m REALLY sick of my stupid wounded childhood and how it affects the adult me? If not, I’m a much worse writer than I thought!

J