Category Archives: Uncategorized

3 Days — and Counting

I asked my co-editor how long I should wait before I queried the publisher about the memoir. His answer? One month.

That’s 11/15, 3 days from now.

I really, really can’t think about this or it will make me bonkers. But inevitably, I AM thinking about it.

 

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Integrity Counts More Than Noise

There’s an article about the office here for state employees, which handles harassment charges. Most of them go nowhere, but it’s a place for people to complain and get action before things get out of hand in the workplace.

Having been pulled into people’s laps, taken on what were non-existent conference trips, etc. by my employers, I know that harassment can be real. In the case of the guy who put me in a trash barrel, he was “kidding.” The business trip that was for a non-existent conference? I didn’t have a clue, I was a gullible 18 year-old, and naive as hell. Came back without realizing wtf had happened — because nothing happened.

I have in my lifetime also been put into lockers and tossed into a fish pond, more than once. There are also the less dramatic things, people using my head as an arm rest. Patting me on the top of my head. Calling me “honey” dismissively or just dismissing me because I’m short and/or female.

Because of my background, I was happy to see the article about the office and its apparently fair reporting of what happened in x quantity of cases, good and bad, dismissed and dealt with, however.

Two of the 3 comments on this post said, “Most claims are bogus.” And that infuriates me!

I now have a new rule.

The minute someone claims something is either “bogus” or “fake” without supporting evidence, I will dismiss everything they say on the subject.

It’s too easy to just cry BULLSHIT! and cause damage. If you want me to believe what you have to say, you’ll have to supply facts and data to back up your claim.

Integrity counts more than noise.

Yet Another Reason

not to use a self-checkout. I have NEVER used them, for a rew reasons:

  1.  I did retail for 30 years. If you want me to check out my own merchandise, you will pay me or I won’t do it.
  2. Someone has a job to do that. If we do it for them, there are no jobs. Remember the high school kid who used to pump your gas? When was the last time you bought gas you didn’t have to pump youself?
  3. Why should I make their corporate profits bigger? When was the last time you saw a self-check out line at a Mom & Pop market say? You won’t. Why? They can’t afford it, they don’t make enough $. ‘Nuff said!

You might be interested in this article, I know I was!

That Little Girl

I was who was so traumatized has caused me a lot of problems, because I don’t know what she decided or thought in many cases until there’s an issue. It’s my flashback to be swamped with pain, fear, or panic and possibly no apparent reason for the reaction.

For a long, long time, shame held me back, but I didn’t realize it until one day in therapy I blurted out, “I don’t deserve to heal; I killed my mother.”

I remembered feeling that way as a small child, but I thought it was survivor guilt, and I thought I’d dealt with it. I hadn’t. I did after that.

That same little girl has me trapped in the street car dealing with whatever it is related to cleaning or knitting.

train image from target

One of the most difficult things is at 60+ is to “get” that what’s going on with my body/mind has not much if anything to do with who I am now and figure out how to undo whatever it is. In many ways, it’s rather like trying to talk to an alien.

That said? She also did me a really, really good turn by her lack of understanding in one critical area. A few years back, I started to slide into clinical depression. I thought I was going insane, finally. My therapist and I talked about how I felt, and what was happening to me and she diagnosed it as clinical depression.

A while later, I put it together. What I had always been afraid of was losing control — “going insane.” That was what I’d fought internally for decades. It was keeping myself out of that. But it wasn’t insanity; it was clinical depression.

It meant that when I started to slide down that path in my 50s-60s, a remote part of me — at a distance — noticed and said, “What are you doing?”

My internal response was, “I don’t know. I don’t care.”

But that monitor said. “Hm. Maybe we’ll read this piece, it usually makes us feel better.”

“Nothing will make it better.”

“Let’s try.”

“If you insist.”

I did two or three other things: read the pieces which make me feel better, walked to the place which makes me feel good, etc. with no hope they would work. But eventually, they did.

So, yes, I’ve been depressed. And I’ve been close to succumbing to clinical depression.

But that plucky little girl wasn’t going to “go insane” no matter what! She kept finding ways to avoid it.

This puts me at a loss with people who ARE depressed, because my magic, most effective tool against depression’s devastation is that I made it absolutely illegal and forbidden for myself, when I was 3.

depression

 

Stigma & Shame Links

I found this about stigma the other day. You might be interested? link

And while we’re talking about the good or bad the internet can bring, you may want to listen to this TED talk I found last week which talks about shame as well.

My personal experience was that shame was the biggest single thing which kept me from healing. link

J

Vocabulary Lesson

I found another label for my decorating style which appeals.

lagom

It’s a Swedish term, meaning not too much, not too little. Perfect!

Hygge, Cwtch, & Lagom

[Sounds like a law firm, doesn’t it?]

I came up with this:


 

Hygge, Cwtch, & Lagom:

Home decorating for the confused or those who just won’t do it like everyone else!


 

I printed it in an elaborate script. I may frame it? Cross stitch? Dunno — we’ll see.

But then serendipity and happenstance got involved. . . when I found lagom, I wrote it down incorrectly, as “lagon.”

Which, according to the urban dictionary, is:

The mythical beast you must slay to get anything done online.

Which resonates of course.
No test; I promise!
J

Years Ago & Far Away

I fell in love with a movie which seemed to me to be about the archetypical man and woman. It was visually interesting, but it was a western, and worse, a “spaghetti western.” I also fell in love with the score.

For a long, long time, I apologized when I told people my favorite movie was “Once Upon a Time in the West.” I apologized because I was raised in a household of “intellectuals” almost all of whom, along with my friends didn’t “get” what I saw in the movie.

Then one day about 15 years ago or so, the DVD was for sale at a video store and of course, I had to buy it. The extras were all these other, famous, well-known directors talking about how brilliant “Once Upon a Time in the West” was. And I decided that I didn’t need to apologize any more! My view of the movie was shared by all these people, and it ends up that Sergio Leone  had deliberately used bits from other classic westerns, to make it as much an archetypical western as possible.

OUATITW opening

Why am I telling this story? Because of “The Greatest Showman.” Okay, yes, there are places it falls apart — yes there are plot holes. It is visually stunning, the acting is good, the costumes, sets, etc. are splendid and the music is superb.

So Barnum exploited people? Yes, he did. So did the people who built the railroads, started the automotive industries, the steel industries, etc. We almost all live on land which was stolen from Indians. Going to pack up and move your family back to wherever?

Our values have changed, a great deal. Judging anyone from the past by your current values could be problematic.

Isn’t it also true that all of us at one point couldn’t eat with a fork, use a bathroom or talk? Why should anyone expect us to only take them as they are right now, but judge a movie or other artform both within its historical context AND by current standards?

If you only want to judge something out context, would you allow yourself to be judged the same way? Before you were literate? Still needed diapers, etc.?

Demeaning the movie because Barnum exploited rather than celebrated the people he hired is silly. I’m not saying Barnum was right. I’m not saying he was moral. I’m simply saying he was a person within his culture, like you and me.

I don’t expect to be able to judge his reality from my perspective and find him laudable. He may have elevated the oddities by happenstance, but he did. He gave them jobs, and a family of sorts.

jackman still

And I won’t apologize for liking “The Greatest Showman.” I don’t know that I care if it’s “great art” or not. Like “Once Upon a Time in the West,” I find it interesting to watch, visually stunning in places, and I love the music.

Why apologize?