I wimped out. I was supposed to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy this week. I cancelled it.
Why? Because my PTSD brain had decided that I would die under the anesthesia. Crazy, right? But it wouldn’t go away. Every time I did anything about the procedure, it would show up, again and again.
Don’t tell me it’s irrational. Thanks I know that already.
I got tired of crying about it.
Also, different than in years past? I didn’t grit my teeth and just do whatever, so that others wouldn’t know I was scared or think less of me. I was scared and yeah, you can think less of me if you want; I have no control over that anyway.
For one of the few times in my life about something pretty big, I let myself wimp out.
Different? Yes. I kept telling myself it was no big. I kept telling myself it was my crazy PTSD, anxiety-ridden brain going off the deep end.
It wouldn’t go away.
Finally? I was supposed to watch this 40 minute thing for the hospital this morning, and that put me over the edge.
So I wimped out.
On the one hand, it’s nice because I’m actually being honest. (Unlike all the times from dissecting a frog in high school, to almost anything else, up to and including submitting the memoir to a publisher, because I thought others would think less of me if I didn’t.)
And, the pay off? I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t dead, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But if I was? Well, it’s hard to write and live this life then ‘eh?
And I want a chance to do that living. I owe DH a clean house. I owe myself the chance to see what, if any, impact the memoir can have. I want that. I want to see what kind of other life I can have!
But there’s a large part of me that’s saying “I’m done.” The work which started when I was born 3 months premature, fighting for my life, is complete. And, if I’m really, truly going to be honest here? That’s what really scared me. I wasn’t sure if they put me under I’d want to come back. So, I blamed the medical profession, but it was just me.
You know? I have no idea who I am if I’m not fighting. And I’m not, not really any more.
Maybe I’ll get a chance to grow up/grow past the stupid childhood before I’m 70? You think?