Category Archives: disasters

It’s Monday & It’s Not April Fool’s — Darn!

I was hoping my terrible morning could be blamed on something, anything other than it is just my turn at the big chance wheel to have a world-class sucky day.

I tried looking for something on our town’s library site. It didn’t work. I tried looking at the state’s site. That didn’t work either. Why would this upset me? Because the system they replaced a few years back I knew how to use and I used it a lot. More dangerous learning curves ahead, sigh. Just once? I’d like a “learning experience” that is not frustrating or embarrassing or expensive — just once!

And I used 1/2 the last batch of cake mix. (See the links list.) Substituted 1/4C orange juice for that much of the milk. (I had a cookbook which had a “master recipe,” used the same amount of milk, but to make an orange cake, substitute 1/4C orange juice and change the leavening from just baking powder to baking powder and baking soda.) I couldn’t do anything with the quantity of baking powder (the recipe reduced the baking powder too) as it was a mix, but I was only using 1/2 the mix, sooooo..

It rose up and got golden and looked splendid. I made a blood orange glaze. The house smelled glorious. I inserted a knife in the middle to see if it was done?’

“Whoosh” it said and fell.

Pulled it from the oven, ran the knife around the outside edge and tried to pry out one corner. The top folded back like a piece of paper — and it looked RAW inside?

Ooookay, back in the oven it goes, with foil on top, to cook and cook and cook some more. No change.  I finally just tasted it. It was cooked, but didn’t look it.

It’s yummy.

I used a cake mix to make a baked orange pudding.

I have a button for days like this: “I should have stood in bed.”

And stayed there!

What to Do?

I was going swimmingly along and then all of a sudden, I’m not. Why? Well, it’s the usual for me: I noticed/wrote about what was going on.

That was for decades the most frustrating thing about the way my head is wired between the abuse and PTSD: when I start to overcome the issues, if I acknowledge it, it stops. For a long time, the acknowledgement would trigger a panic attack: full blown. These days, I just stop making progress.

The maintenance jobs are getting done, not as quickly or consistently, but they are. I keep expecting, naively, apparently, that I will just move into a space where I can simply do things. That isn’t so. My body still has PTSD and my intellect isn’t the boss of me.

What isn’t getting done is progress on the culling and house clearing. Yes, I’m overwhelmed. Yes, it’s a huge task. Yes, I’ve been doing this for years decades. I have a few things goading me on.

  1. I don’t want to be remembered for being a hoarder. An ex-hoarder? That I can handle.
  2. If I/we get COVID, the stuff will make caretaking harder.
  3. If or when we have to move, the stuff will have to be dealt with then, and it’s harder every year to move the stuff around.
  4. I want out of this prison that the PTSD/abuse created for me, decades ago, to keep me safe. I have a friend who calls the house my fortress. It was. The funny thing about a locked room — it can keep you safe, but it also can be a jail!
  5. I’d like to find out what life is like otherwise. I’d like to see what I can accomplish when I don’t spend a huge amount of each day caretaking/dealing with stuff, and without the stuff in the way.

So, I went looking for inspiration/motivation, something. I started looking at my get organized books and found a piece which said that when all of a day’s jobs are  maintenance, you need to add an achievement task, because you need both.

Maintenance jobs are getting done. Achievement job? Hm. What could I do which won’t make more mess and can be completed . . .

  • Sweep the front walk.
  • Make up a gallon of sanitizer. (1/3C bleach to 1 gallon of water)
  • Get the rags/kitchen towels put away.

All of those are maintenance, again. Achievement goal?

If a maintenance goal is characterized by being continually repeated and an achievement goal being a one-shot . . ,

  • Finish the 2017 tracking for the farm which was started last week.
  • Work on the “house book.”
  • Work on the long-term planning.
  • Finish the touch-up on the entry baseboards.

atomic-bomb-test

I don’t remember where I got the image. But it illustrates a lot of my present mental state!

J