Not a Win, Not a Loss

Yesterday was a day which previously would have sent me into days if not a week or more of depression. I really embarrassed myself in public. I was tired and the PTSD which always makes me clumsy had a field day because of it. Also because of lack of sleep I was more sensitive to the negativity created by what I did. Big time suck.

Except for texting a friend I don’t talk to often enough, I didn’t go there. It wasn’t anything illegal, just not a shiny adult moment for me.

Today I’m grateful that although I was up until 4 a.m. running away from/avoiding the litany of

“Failure! Bozo! Idiot!”

which came from the Abuser’s tape, I managed to wait it out/put it off and finally just go to sleep.

Not an ideal solution, but better by a huge margin than depression and hours of self-recrimination and the PTSD which is woven in and around all of that. No tears. My heart raced a little, but that was it.

I’ll take it! I’d rather not have the tape at all, but I don’t seem to have that choice. This is the best I can do right now and it’s worlds better than what I could do before.

If this is settling? I’ll take it!

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One response to “Not a Win, Not a Loss

  1. These are the sort of days I call “Lions 1: Christians 1.” It’s a wash 🙂

    Linda Tiernan Kepner http://www.lindatkepner.com

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