Why It’s So Hard

Nov 21, 2016: I wrote this about a year ago. I don’t remember what prompted it. I don’t remember what it was about at all. But I’ve had conversations lately about PTSD. And I keep running into the idea from others with it, that because I cope pretty well I don’t have complex PTSD, or I have a mild case. In both instances my response is: NOT! But I don’t show this stuff or talk about it much, or haven’t in the past. So, the post below is about my PTSD and what I do you may or may not know. This isn’t the more obvious bits like avoiding the news or even the struggle with the house. This is the part that made me scared I was crazy for many,many years.

Just so you know, my “whining” about how hard dealing with all and sundry includes things you probably don’t know about or see.

I’m not going to talk about the pain that goes with PTSD, because that at least I mostly have under control, but it lurks around the corner all the time. It may not be front and center any more, but it’s there.

Almost always when I look off a bridge, cliff, or such, I think about jumping, for an instant. At least once a day, EVERY day, something about suicide floats through my mind. I’d love dearly for it not to be so, but it is.

Also, at least once daily, for an instant I think about something like screaming, smashing my car into a wall, pounding my head into a bloody pulp somewhere, like concrete.

None of this do I do, or hardly ever since I was in my 20s. But this occurs, day in and day out. When folks tell me to get over it, give it to God, or just think about something else, they’re thinking about the big stuff, the PTSD the abuse, etc. because that makes sense to them. But these things flit in and out of my head. Every. Single. Day. If you know a way to make it stop, I’d love to hear it! Especially if  it isn’t an addiction to a set of beliefs, drugs or behaviors. I’ve never found anything that works.

I ignore it, every day. Maybe Shrink-1 was right and I am borderline schizophrenic. I don’t know. I just know this takes effort and energy and you almost certainly never see this.

But it’s there. Do you know what it’s like to be really scared of yourself? Probably not. Aren’t you lucky?

Don’t give me your pat answers. Don’t tell me how “easy” it is with the right attitude. I fight battles and monsters every day you probably don’t know, don’t see, and can’t comprehend. I repeat: Aren’t you lucky?


2 responses to “Why It’s So Hard

  1. Yep, I get it. I go through this as an Aspie. Girls scramble to cover the symptoms because that’s what nice girls do, so I get “Gee, you don’t LOOK autistic.” Uh huh. Gee you don’t LOOK stupid 🙂 Linda K.

    Linda Tiernan Kepner http://www.lindatkepner.com

  2. Yep! I know you got it. But we’ve had this conversation before. And, as I said, I don’t remember what prompted the post originally. Like you, I get stupid stuff told to me all the time. The last one was really bizarre, “You look okay.” That goes right up there with the recruiter’s response which kept me from trying to join the military: “You’ll have to prove you’re sane.” Um. Hello? How???

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