It occurred to me yesterday that I’ve been so busy trying to clear out or update my old life, that is all the stuff, that I had no clear idea wtf the new life I *wanted* looked like?

A day spent writing, crafting, cooking, playing with math and making enough $ that I feel like I’m carrying my part of the load.Enough exercise that I don’t end up living on pills ten or more years from now, if I can help it. I’m not really interested in selling stuff, crafted items maybe but not antiques, collectibles, books, etc. Not interested in going to store after store looking for items to buy for resale.

That’s a bit different than what I would have thought! I’m sick of the endless buying x because it’s $1 and I should be able to get $5 for it. . . . Bored. I’m not good at it, therefore it isn’t fun — and it’s expensive. I’m not only tired of buying stuff, but selling it too. I want enough to keep and that’s it. I don’t think I’ll have a yen to keep editing my house once I get it the way I want it!


However, I really also don’t want to spend my day vegetating in front of a screen: type, type, and type some more — all day, every day either.

Dancing it seems would be good. DH and I keep talking about contra dancing as a way to exercise in the winter. It’s usually free, or cheap around here. It would get us out of the house, in a new group of people, and exercising, not bad. Now to see if I can get my partner to agree to it. We both have sort of got lead feet. . . .

contra dance

So that takes care of part of the exercise. I need to swim more, that is, I need to swim at least once weekly — and that’s the other part of the exercise.

This only leaves writing, crafting, cooking, playing with math and making enough $. . . to figure out, that’s all.

The writing thing I seem to do whether it makes me $ or not, ditto all of that, except the playing with math part. I keep putting that off because I’m not sure I’m smart enough to do what I want to do, that is, teach myself more that I had in school. I’ve looked into taking classes, but they’re too expensive. But the only way through is to start — and I haven’t done that either. Me bad.

This is very much like the living room re-do. I had to have an idea, a direction, to start with. Then I had to try and picture what the most successful conclusion would be? Then find the steps to go “thataway”. I’m not sure I’ll get there of course, but without planning or even a broad concept of what I want, the rest of the work I have to do just becomes overwhelming, depressing, and impossible. I have to have the vision, or glimmering at least, of what I’m working towards. It’s not enough, to only be dealing with whatever is on my plate, now.

What I had on my plate was so grim for so long that if I didn’t have an idea of what else I wanted, I couldn’t have moved. “Not hurt” as a life ambition isn’t much perhaps, but it was how I articulated the direction I wanted to go. I thought a lot about what that could look, smell, and feel like, then I’d go out and buy more books so I could run away, because secretly, inside, I didn’t think it was possible for me. My vision is much clearer now, but I’m stuck with dealing with all the crap — for a while yet.

Without the vision of my (new) future, in the distance to work towards, the past and the vestiges of it will just pull me down, again — I ain’t going without a fight.








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