Depressed

Not only did we put our cat to sleep last week, which makes me sad, but I have another problem. Another?

Of course. My f’n past causes me to respond inappropriately. It makes me kind of nutty as I can’t seem to stop it and THAT’s what makes me depressed. I don’t mind having had all the stupid problems, don’t mind so much that it’s taken me so long to actually deal with them. But I DO mind that I keep exposing myself emotionally to beating myself up — for something I can’t seem to stop.

The key to depression for me is feeling as if THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO to change something. As long as I have the smallest shred of hope, I’m okay, but honestly, do I have to keep paying?

Okay, whine over now, but sometimes? Sometimes I just get depressed about how hard it is, how long it’s taken, and how much I have yet to do. Sometimes it feels as if I haven’t accomplished anything at all.

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5 responses to “Depressed

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your kitty, I know that’s such a hard thing to go through. We put three down in the last three years. All around the same age. It was very hard. Now we have one left and one that visits (my daughter’s) and a dog.
    Now, I understand your depression or I should say that I empathize with you but want you to know that I think you’re doing incredibly well with your life. You’ve taken the bull by the horns and faced it! You have a plan! That’s so much more than many people have. My hope is that each day you will feel better, it’s normal for you to be sad when a pet dies but eventually you get through it and will have fond memories. Some people get another pet right away! That might help? I wish the best for you! J

  2. I found it to be so true that just realizing you’re reacting to something in an unhealthy way is a step to stopping it. Some patterns die hard… and some never die completely. That you see yourself reacting is light in the tunnel and that shred of hope you want and need. 🙂 I learned this years ago dealing with a panic disorder…once I recognized the thought patterns sending me into a spiral, I could deal with them. 🙂 Sending hugs!

    • Yes, the awareness is a huge step, but unfortunately, it isn’t enough to change the behavior. It IS the first step. I think it will take me some time to undo all of the old protective mechanisms. Why I keep expecting that if I do x or y or z all the other problems will disappear i do not know. At least initially, when my issue was that I was in so much pain, I think it was simply that I thought anything would be possible if I could just move away from the swamping pain, enough to not live through or around it? After that didn’t change anything, except I stopped hurting. (except?) You’d think I’d have learned, but no. There are no “magic markers.” If I accomplish x or y or z, that’s what I’ve done. Get x done, y and z still exist. It’s that I’m tired I guess. I want to rest on my laurels, want to be done already and I keep finding more to do? Glutton for punishment I guess?

      • Without going into too much detail here in comments, let me just say that a dude named Albert Ellis changed my life 30 years ago. 🙂 I am the kind of person who likes to have a tool set, or things to do, to get better. Thus my introduction to rational emotive behavioral therapy was a life-saver. No, not a miracle or magic, but it’s kind of like working out… the more you apply the moves, the stronger that muscle group. Email me if you want… I can send you some links and a book reference and anecdotal evidence. You seem like the kind of orderly and disciplined person who would benefit if you haven’t tried this already.

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