The idea of a God

that is loving AND nonjudgemental pretty much blows my mind.

I was brainwashed as a kid. I keep saying that, but it’s the only way I can conceive of to explain what it was like to be hurting all the time from the PTSD flashback (losing my Mom at 3) and having a neglectful and inept family used as “proof” that God (and everyone else) found me repulsive, embarrassing or vile.

So the BS was: It’s obvious your family and God don’t love you because they don’t care if you’re hurting. AND: you’re hurting  because you’re vile. And then: it’s obvious you’re vile because your family and God don’t love you.

Yes, it was a circular argument. Yes, this was my “mother” talking. Yes, this was emotional abuse — the hardest type to kick.

Faith? I have no faith, or not much. Looking forward and expecting that the world won’t shit on me and/or that people won’t actively want to hurt me was a quantum leap. From negative to zero if you will. My husband gave me that. But from zero to the plus side is a LOT more and a lot harder.

The religion I was introduced to was the THOU SHALL NOT God etc. and I cannot live with that  — I’d just commit suicide. Believing in God as a kindly fellow is something altogether different, and a move of some proportion! If I don’t have to be perfect and God doesn’t have to sit in negative judgement all the time, maybe there’s a road. I don’t know.

I’ve read the Kushner book twice now. Probably will do it again and maybe again after that.

Earthquakes can be small tremors or they can push mountains up from the depths. Don’t know which this is?


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