Springing Forward & Falling Into the Same Old Cr*p

I unearthed my vegetable garden today. This is always a treasure hunt, with both great surprises and bitter disappointments. The surprises this spring include: maybe actually getting some Brussel Sprouts from one of the two plants (too young in the fall) and the sorrel survived, something I’ve never managed before! 😀 The new rhubarb survived too — something I was NOT sure of!

The bitter disappointment for the garden is mostly the lemon verbena. I had the biggest, healthiest plant I’ve ever had last year, I carefully mulched it really well in the Fall. It doesn’t seem to have survived, although it may surprise me yet? [I’m not going to pull it up just yet.]

Also, it’s obvious that a neighbor doesn’t trust me with her kids. They were out in the yard, asked if they could come over, I said, “Yes, if it’s all right with your mother.” The answer was “No.” So the kids would have been outside in plain sight in my yard. [This happens every time the kids ask btw, this isn’t the first time this has occurred.]

I’d like to say this doesn’t hurt, but it does. I’ve had a lifetime of people judging me because of the years of therapy, because of the hoarding, etc. people think I’m “crazy” or “unreliable” and there’s nothing I can do or say to counter it, except deny who I am or have been — and I refuse to do that.

It isn’t just the neighbor. I’ve got family who won’t leave their kids with me and my husband, not even for an hour or two. Does it hurt? Of course it does.

But this type of thing is the reason I refuse to apologize, explain or even discuss it with either mother. They wouldn’t tell me the truth anyway, or probably not, so we’ll all pretend that I’m really acceptable, when I’m not — at least to them. I get it, I really do and I don’t blame them.

But in many, many ways I’m likely healthier mentally and emotionally than either of the mothers. I’ve spent a lifetime learning the edges and abysses of my psyche — where they just react and don’t know why or what they’re likely to do. And we’ll all pretend that because they haven’t had the therapy and/or the obvious problems that they don’t have any. Which of course is cr*p.

Recently, I had someone tell me that having PTSD etc. isn’t a social stigma anymore. I think that person must live in fantasyland? Maybe if you haven’t got anything to be stigmatized about, that’s true, but from my perspective? Nothing’s changed, this is more of the same old cr*p, people espousing one thing and acting out of another altogether.

What upsets me the most about it is that there’s no way I can change it or fix it. I can’t “graduate” or be “certified” and so this type of rejection will continue to happen the rest of my life.

The only way I know to NOT get this type of reaction from people is to hide my past  — which works way worse when people find out, and they always do. It’s just too juicy a piece of gossip for people to pass up.

This is another one of the reasons that sometimes I’d really just like to get amnesia. It would be nice to actually NOT expect this reaction from people. I don’t expect it from everyone all the time any more, but I’m certainly NOT surprised when it shows up, again — Ah! Hell0 — It’s the same old cr*p! 😀


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