Dump, dump, then erase?

Today we go to the dump then dump merchandise into the antique booth.

Erase is what I want to happen, although I know it won’t. I want to erase my past, erase the lingering vestiges of my terrible childhood, etc. Am I ashamed of being a victim? No. But I AM tired of being wounded, fragile, and preoccupied with being wounded and fragile!

Many people’s answer is the strategy “Think strong!”. I can bully my way through a situation but it’s like alcohol, at the end of the day I’ve accomplished whatever I have, but I’m still just as wounded and fragile as I was.

Others say, “Well, just act as if it isn’t there.” My family does this. The problem with this strategy is that it bites you in the butt and you don’t realize it until later, or maybe you never do.

My dad screwed up three kids because of his terrible childhood and the answers he found:

Detach from family, religion and community and concentrate on your job/career. Be polite, kind,  & ethical and others will return the favor.

It didn’t work well for him in the long run:  he was still talking about his miserable childhood the day he died. And it didn’t work all that well for the three kids either. There’s me and two others. All of us have a price we’ve paid because of what he did and how. The others live in the “if you don’t talk about it, no one will know” fantasy world. My conclusion was that I had to deal with it. [ I added PTSD and abuse and had less support available.]

A friend and I had a long conversation about God, nature, wounding, etc. She’s deeply religious which I respect. She respects me and my opinions in return. We’re both abuse survivors, we’re both readers and beyond that and the fact that we live in the same state, we have very little in common. She was raised with many siblings, me with none at home, she was raised on a farm, me in the city, etc. We’ve been friends for nearly 20 years.

Wounding and peoples’ responses to it keeps coming up, in my conversations with friends, with neighbors, etc. People keep telling me they admire the fact that I didn’t give up.

I am a fraud — I did give up  (and do) — over & over. But also I haven’t, at least once more. Isn’t that all it takes? The idea that it takes courage or strength or fortitude to me is laughable. What it takes is being stubborn, resilient and the ability to get yourself to try and change whatever once. All it takes is being willing/able to throw yourself into the fray one more time. Maybe my attitude is different?

What I want? What I really would love is to not have to do it at all! There are times when I think having amnesia might be wonderful? But I realize I’d probably lose all the good stuff too, and then it doesn’t sound like such a great idea.

It isn’t so much that I loathe running around this wheel that doesn’t seem to go very far, but that I want to be off the wheel –outside the cage altogether! There’s another whole world out there!!!

I’m really scared that until the end of my days I’ll still be in here, going ’round and ’round — getting nowhere in a hurry.

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2 responses to “Dump, dump, then erase?

  1. At least you’re talking about it 🙂 I haven’t been there (at least to the extent that I believe you have), so I don’t feel that I can be of much assistance other than a “listening ear” so to speak.

  2. Listening ears are valuable! The memoir is dedicated first to ” the people who helped along the way” and there’s have been lots them. People I talked to in airports, restaurants, where I worked, wherever. I had so much on my plate that I talked to anyone, anywhere, I had no other way.

    That seems ludicrous to me now, and maybe a bit embarrassing, but in some ways that’s exactly what I’m doing with the blog. I thought when I started this at the end of 2010 that I’d just be counting how many things I got rid of. I didn’t realize I had another major piece of work ahead of me, beyond shedding the stuff. I thought the stuff was a detail, a symptom.

    It is, but of a much greater thing than I’d realized. And something I hadn’t dealt with. So,here I am, looking for people to talk it out with, again. I VALUE people who listen. I try and listen these days as well.

    Listening counts!

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