I think the piece I cannot heal alone is shame. Shame is a natural product of abuse, I intend to ask my therapist for help Thursday. The piece that alerted me this might be the unfixable piece was when I said I felt I didn’t deserve flowers or nice things.
Something went, “Huh? Why?” I knew this was true, but also knew it for a clarion indicator that something was WRONG.
When I thought about it, it seemed it must be that I was ashamed, and punishing myself, by messy house, by not nice things, by being wasteful, etc. WTF??? And it’s tied to the part that kept saying, I haven’t had enough time to change it (whatever “it” was) ! I didn’t think I had any shame issues. I KNOW I was a victim and I’ve known it for some time.
This reminds me of the weekend the date rape thing came up – 20 years after it had happened. I thought I was fine with it. I remembered it, could and did talk about it, etc. Then when we’d been married about 10 years, one day I heard a show about teenage sex on NPR. Some young punk guy said something like,”They really like it, they just can’t admit it.” I started screaming at the radio and crying. DH was on travel. Came home the next day, I started to tell him about it and broke down. Cried off & on for 2 days! My therapist when told about this said, “takes about 10 years for your body to work through something. Also, you needed to know you were safe that long before you could process it.”
Okay. So I have a game plan. We’ll see!
DH and I have both been working on the house. There’s no huge revelation of wonderful cleanliness, but the house is cleaner and slowly, but surely, is getting more so. I don’t think I can get rid of 2,000 things between now and the end of the year, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that the house is cleaner, and we’re still working on it. If I kick the shame thing, maybe I won’t need the camouflage anymore – wouldn’t THAT make this lots easier?
I made soup this morning and have done some cleaning, not a lot. I need to go do something, something not on a computer, including baking bread!