Stuck

I’m where I can “see” the cleared living room, and every time I do, I freak out, in some way or the other. So, despite doing a lot of work on the emotional stuff, obviously, I haven’t done enough.

I do not know what the answer is. The part of me that is 50+ and has been playing this song and dance for 50 or so years is frankly sick of it. But the reason I got here, the abuse, the PTSD, the neglect, etc. are still running my life or at least part of it, obviously.

Thinking “tough” doesn’t work, forget that. “Giving it to God” doesn’t work either, forget that too. We have no money to hire a professional — that’s out.

The only thing I can think of to do is to ask others to help. With others involved in the process, I can probably clear out a space. It doesn’t always stay that way, [Okay, it NEVER stays that way.] but I’ve gotten better about that. Areas I’ve cleaned out now stay clean for 2-3 days before “something” happens. I cleaned the kitchen REALLY well for Storm Sandy. I know what a pain in the butt cleaning with no power is, so I made sure I’d cleared the dishes off the counter, etc. I have done it, but I really don’t like washing dishes in my stew pot & water canner.

The kitchen has degraded some in the past 2 days, I’ve got a cold. (This stuff makes me so crazy that I wondered or a while if I’d caught the cold “on purpose”? Rather than simply thinking about the fact that I’d been wandering around outside in chilly weather with wet feet, etc.)

DH is working on his workshop, so I can’t ask him to clean the kitchen. He’ll do the “it has to be done stuff” but not otherwise. I’m lucky he routinely washes dishes and does laundry! I know a lot of women whose partners don’t do any cleaning, except perhaps the BBQ grill.
Maybe I’ll have a party?

So, I guess another of those life lessons my mother never taught me was: If you can’t do it alone, ask for help!

I have a pathetic tally to add to the end of October. I’ll move it to the history from the tally page when I post the first “real” November post, not today. The last October tally is up today (11/2). I haven’t been anywhere/done anything much since 10/30 between Storm Sandy and getting a cold!

P.S. I may have had a pathetic tally for the end of October, but I started out with a bang in November! By doing so, I earned another section of the target (7250 items out), which is below.

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4 responses to “Stuck

  1. I SO appreciate your honesty. It’s great that you are so real with yourself. I know that when I struggle with something, I think about what’s bothering me. If I can change it, I do. If I can’t change it, then I have to accept that and move on. But, I do “give it to God” as well, and I’ve found that to be quite effective, personally. I may have to do it repeatedly sometimes, but over time, it isn’t as consuming as it once was.

    I’m not trying to be rude, or condescending, or intrusive, so I’m sorry if it comes across that way, but have you forgiven the people from your past that have hurt you so much? I’m not saying that they deserve it, but you do. If you haven’t, that can really be holding you back. Just some food for thought 🙂

    • Let’s see. Giving it to God doesn’t work because PTSD isn’t “curable.” My brain’s been altered since I was 3. there are various pastoral counseling groups that deal with PTSD/abuse survivors for that reason; “giving it to God” just isn’t an answer for PTSD/abuse issues and I have both.

      Giving it to God also doesn’t work because my abuser used the “fact” that I was hurting and no one did anything about it as “proof” that I was unlovable, not only to my friends and family, but also to GOD. If God could love me, wouldn’t he have done something to help? My family are atheists, except being an atheist is illogical, so they’re “agnostic.”

      My family are also “anti-family” in that we were all supposed to grow up and be completely independent. Not a unit, not a group of people who’re involved with each others’ lives.

      Forgiving people? Hmm. Depends on how you mean it. In the Christian sense, no. I did, or tried, got hurt over and over again by the same people in the same ways — didn’t work. What I’ve done is write them out of my life. I’m much happier. 😀

      The ones that are dead (my parents & the abuser) I don’t need to write them off, they’re not there. I have had periods of great joy since I stopped trying to find a way to accomodate who my family is with who I am.

      Their definition of things is that I have problems, they don’t. So you can’t talk to them about when they hurt you. The response is, “You’re over sensitive.” or “I didn’t mean it that way.” and since that has happened for 40+ years on almost any topic, after a while it becomes impossible to believe that they weren’t trying to hurt you; they can’t give you what you need because of their own ego needs, or won’t because you’re just not important enough. (All of which kicks in the abuse issues for me.)

      I was tied up in an emotional box, with very few, if any routes out. Those that were available were covered by various biases on my family’s part. If I could have been religious, it would have helped. (I tried it; I never quite did get myself to believe.) If I could have had one person, just one, who would advocate for me against the family tide, that would have helped. I got shrinks, who put my Dad’s agenda out there and didn’t ask me what I wanted or needed, everyone else knew, they (and I thought).

      I stopped trying to find a way to talk to them, reason with them, or even communicate with them. And I’m much happier these days! 😀 I don’t think forgiveness is the problem. I’ve forgiven them, the abuser, and my parents for being human beings and too self-centered. But if they hadn’t been so f’d up to start with, I wouldn’t have PTSD at all. Kids get PTSD when something traumatic happens and they aren’t reassured they’re safe & loved — which is what happened to me. Layer on top of that the abuse and you have a rather nasty cocktail.

      • I’m glad that you’re happier now though. I’m in the process of working with a student who has gone through a very traumatic event, and we (her parents, our church, my husband and I), are trying to help her avoid the long lasting affects of PTSD (she lost a friend through a very traumatic experience).

        In terms of forgiving, to me, that doesn’t necessarily mean letting those people back into your life (forgetting). But simply not allowing those people, and the hurt you feel towards them, to hold you back. I think that you’re working through it, which is great. Many people use things to cushion their trauma. They can control it, and it brings comfort.

        Perhaps another (non-harmful) source of comfort would help? I’m not a psychologist though… 🙂

      • When I started the blog a year ago, I thought all I had yet to do was a lot of physical work. That is, all I had to do was get rid of the stuff. What I’ve learned in the past year is that whether I like it or not, clearing rooms/cleaning the house is directly tied to some very old, nasty stuff that’s always been there.

        I thought this would be an easy way to just count things. I didn’t want to bleed in public. I’ve done a lot of that, it’s not my fave. Whether it’s rational, or not; reasonable, or not — that’s where I am.

        The older I get the more I learn. I’ve learned this past month that I’m prone to panic. I’ve learned in the past few months that the reasons I got here are not trivial and I can’t willy-nilly speed up the process, just deal with the stuff rather than the emotional component. I’ve learned I’m probably a DES daughter and that fact seems to have some pertinence as well.

        I’ve learned a lot of data about myself. What I haven’t learned yet are the reasons I panic in an open room or how to control/deal with that. I’m getting there. I probably won’t get rid of the 10,060 things this year, maybe 9.000 or so. But whether I do, or don’t, I’ve learned something: my being a hoarder/slob is related to some emotive piece in my past, or several pieces. Whatever those pieces may be, they were/are big enough that just bulling ahead sets me into a panic state. I’ve known about the panic before of course. What I didn’t know until recently was that the work I’ve done specifically the last 10 years re the PTSD and abuse issues wasn’t enough.

        I thought the stuff was a symptom of the known world, only to discover that there’s a continent over there I hadn’t known about.

        J

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