I’m where I can “see” the cleared living room, and every time I do, I freak out, in some way or the other. So, despite doing a lot of work on the emotional stuff, obviously, I haven’t done enough.
I do not know what the answer is. The part of me that is 50+ and has been playing this song and dance for 50 or so years is frankly sick of it. But the reason I got here, the abuse, the PTSD, the neglect, etc. are still running my life or at least part of it, obviously.
Thinking “tough” doesn’t work, forget that. “Giving it to God” doesn’t work either, forget that too. We have no money to hire a professional — that’s out.
The only thing I can think of to do is to ask others to help. With others involved in the process, I can probably clear out a space. It doesn’t always stay that way, [Okay, it NEVER stays that way.] but I’ve gotten better about that. Areas I’ve cleaned out now stay clean for 2-3 days before “something” happens. I cleaned the kitchen REALLY well for Storm Sandy. I know what a pain in the butt cleaning with no power is, so I made sure I’d cleared the dishes off the counter, etc. I have done it, but I really don’t like washing dishes in my stew pot & water canner.
The kitchen has degraded some in the past 2 days, I’ve got a cold. (This stuff makes me so crazy that I wondered or a while if I’d caught the cold “on purpose”? Rather than simply thinking about the fact that I’d been wandering around outside in chilly weather with wet feet, etc.)
DH is working on his workshop, so I can’t ask him to clean the kitchen. He’ll do the “it has to be done stuff” but not otherwise. I’m lucky he routinely washes dishes and does laundry! I know a lot of women whose partners don’t do any cleaning, except perhaps the BBQ grill.
Maybe I’ll have a party?
So, I guess another of those life lessons my mother never taught me was: If you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
I have a pathetic tally to add to the end of October. I’ll move it to the history from the tally page when I post the first “real” November post, not today. The last October tally is up today (11/2). I haven’t been anywhere/done anything much since 10/30 between Storm Sandy and getting a cold!
P.S. I may have had a pathetic tally for the end of October, but I started out with a bang in November! By doing so, I earned another section of the target (7250 items out), which is below.