Ramble

I’m wondering. . .  In the past few weeks, since we seriously started working on purging stuff around here, my PTSD has shown itself by sudden bursts of panic, DH & I fought (!) about my safety issues, and I have been downright grumpy.

Okay, okay, I “get” this. The junk/stuff/mess is camouflage for me, I really do understand that. I also get that it’s a safety issue, and I know why. What I don’t know is what to replace the fear with?

I have focused on the goals: filling another target section, cleaning/using a certain area, meeting another calendar goal, etc. I can do that and push down the pieces of my character that got me here.  But as I get closer, the anxiety, etc. bubbles to the surface anyway, as depression (I’m fortunately an old hand at fending that off.) or snarkiness, or insecurity. Some of this is related to it being cold now. I purely hate winter and have at least a mild case of SAD (seasonal depression). But most of it isn’t.

The only way I know to go is through it, that is, to just do it and when nothing terrible happens tell myself, “See? It isn’t so bad.”

The last really LARGE component of my character I had to “reform” was the rage. I have a pool of rage tied to being in pain most of my life and my family being more concerned with their own sh*t than the fact that I was hurting, or just being inept, and figuring it was my problem.

The pain was, until about 10 years ago, constantly under everything I did, and before DH was what ruled my life. After we got together, that changed, slowly. Diagnosis and therapy 10 years ago got the rage to be manageable.

With DH’s support, I found a way to turn the rage on its head. I use it to slingshot myself in a healthy direction when it shows up. I can’t get rid of it. It’s directly tied to my flashback, that pain, but I can use its appearance as a mechanism for health, rather than self-destructiveness, which is what I did for years.

I don’t stop the rage, I’m stuck with it I think, it’s part of the PTSD. I don’t expect to be able to stop the anxiety about the house/safety issues either, at least not for a long time, if ever.

So, what I’m looking for is a similar way to turn the anxiety, fear, and increased agitation into a positive.

J

P.S. Cleaning up around our shed this afternoon gave me enough that I’ve filled another section of the target (6, 750 items out). It will appear below after I update the image. Yeah! That’s both types of goals in TWO DAYS! (Both a date goal and another 250 items out which fills a section of the target.) I’ll be unavailable tomorrow, so there won’t be a posting–until late– if there’s one at all!

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