People tell me I’m “strong” and I think they’re ill informed. I’m not strong, or at least it doesn’t seem so to me. Almost every time things happen my first reaction is to get overwhelmed, throw up my hands in some fashion, and give up.
Eventually, I’ll pick up whatever, most of the time. But there’s a large part of the time I just don’t. [Which is why it takes me so f’n long to get things done, you think?]
So I’m strong because I haven’t gone down for the 3rd time already?
I told someone not too long ago that being an alcoholic is a career path I’m sometimes surprised I missed, and I meant it. I also said that if I get a notion in my head that I don’t want to do (?) I can frequently push myself away far enough that I don’t. That’s how I stayed away from alcohol and drugs.
But it isn’t a straight line. It isn’t just a decision I make to do X and then I do X. I waffle, excuse myself, down right fail, get embarrassed and try some more. If that’s “strong” the human race is in trouble.
The effort here is a prime example.
I’m doing it, badly, begrudgingly,and, yes, emotionally it’s a toughie for me. [Understatement!] Shedding the stuff is the least of it, but that’s not the point. If I do it, people will only see the symptom, the yardstick, the count of things I’ve managed to get rid of. And as embarrassed as I am by how badly this effort has gone, I’m vain enough to want to forget how hard it was. And, at some point, someone will call me brave or strong or (?) – and I’ll feel like the fraud I know I am, again.
This is further complicated by the people who’ve known me for a long time. If I say depreciating things about myself they say things like, “You have no self-esteem! You really have to change that.”
And that’s just wrong too. [My self-esteem is fine, thank you very much.]
Frequently, I’ve found that writing things like this out will present me with an answer or a thread to pull. This time it didn’t work, darn it.
Back to the drawing board. [Now where is it again? I know it’s here somewhere . . . . it used to be in that pile– I think?]